Cad Observes a Chinese Family Whilst Enjoying Very Spicy and Well Fried Chicken Legs and Wings which are Topped with a Very Hot Pepper Mix and the Right amount of Soyed Sauce and feels Conflicted

Most Chinese restaurants in Boston are decrepit culinary wastelands but Victoria Seafood is an exception if one does not judge her by her appearance.  Victoria’s appears outwardly like an MSG bloated garbage can filled with cats.  It has a generic yellow sign with pink writing out front.  The inside is filled with fish tanks and white linen draped tables and blase’, white decor.  It is too brightly lit.  But upon entering, I suspected that the food would be of high quality due to the high percentage of Chinese customers.  I ordered a simple dish: fried chicken legs and wings in a spicy pepper relish.  The dish seemed a variation of the common appetizer in that it was covered in a spicy pepper relish.

I sat alone and observed the Chinese family sitting by my side.  The family contained a grandfather and grandmother, their adult children, and grand children who seemed to be highly westernized and fluent in english.  I was most impressed by the patriarch.

The patriarch wore a Boston Red Sox cap, a very high quality blue polo shirt, a gold rolex watch and a gold bracelet.  He carried himself in such a way that created a sense in my being that this was a disciplined, intelligent, no bullshit man.  He was stern and spoke infrequently to whom I assumed was his son who wore business casual attire and a gold watch. As the two conversed, the children spoke among themselves and also to a man who seemed to me to be the strange uncle, the “Uncle Buck” of the group


You have brought the Matriarch neither sons nor daughters nor marriage into a well provisioned family. You work only to support yourself, doing one thing which interests you and then another. As such you are a deep wound in my psyche and I pray you rot and fester you thankless pile of genetic material.

Uncle Buck was the odd peking duckling.  He was very engaged with the children and asked them about school and gave them advice on which club to join and not join.  He dressed poorly and expressed his interest in musical theory and wore no gold watch.  His mother and father both looked at him with poorly veiled scorn.

My platter of chicken limbs arrived.  Verily were they glorious.  They were not covered in a pepper relish as advertised but beautiful slices of red and green peppers of a size akin to a thai chile. The chicken limbs were fried perfectly.  The skin was very crispy and upon biting I was struck with how juicy and hot the flesh was.  With a few dashes of soy sauce I was in a state of bliss with the salt from the soy sauce and heat from the peppers perfectly balancing the rich fried skin and moist meat.  I began to eat ferociously, sucking as much meat off of the bones as I could and carefully portioning out the peppers so that I would be able to flavor each bite as I planned and committed a barbaric genocide against this miserable and dead cooked bird.

The Chinese family’s food began to arrive: plates of noodles, a whole fish in sauce, crispy duck, bowls of cabbage and rice were dispersed.  The mother began serving the children including Uncle Buck who verily helped select the best piece of duck for his mother.  I watched the family eat and comment on how delicious the food was.

I was reminded that I want to start a family quite badly but that western divorce laws make the proposition a risky one and that our nation is being flooded with immigrants and that my sisters will surely reproduce so perhaps I will become the Uncle Buck of the family who types away in the dark advocating that other men take the risk while i tend to my pellet stove and Siberian husky and make violent love to my sterilized girlfriend.

“NO!”  I shouted, and slammed my fist upon my table.  Every head in the restaurant turned and stared with open mouths and slanted eyes.  I continued: “I WILL REPRODUCE AND WILL RAISE MALE HEIRS SO DASTARDLY AND SO FILLED WITH HATRED FOR EVERY CIVILIZATION BUT HIS OWN THAT THE LATINS WILL FLEE OUR LANDS”.

I fear that a very risky reproduction is in my future.


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