My grandfather dropped out of college, built his family a home in the woods, and taught himself enough about engineering to gain top secret clearance at a defense contractor where he worked on lasers. His house was filled with milling machines, manuals, rifles, and photography equipment. He would call President Obama a Nigger and express regret at being too old to join the military to shoot Islamists. Grandpa was confident that glassing over the Arabian peninsula would put a swift end to our troubles in the region. The Mexican border should become a mine field and our troubles with the swarthy southerners would be solved. It was universally agreed by both the Liberals and the Conservatives in the family that grandpa was crazy. As I have an independent mind and hate my liberal mother very very much and also enjoy watching youtube documentaries, I began to side with my grandfather.
When my grandfather was on his deathbed he handed me a map quite like the one in Kak’s Banner and the one displayed below:
“Cad”, he whispered, and pulled me closer. He was weak and riddled with Cancer perhaps from his time spent maintaining nuclear warheads in Maine. I removed my 19th century hat in respect.
“A Muslim once tried to join the fish and game club. Me and the boys invited him to a dinner, and we made sure to have a pig roast and a lot of booze. Guess what? He never came again. Always be on the lookout for them, they’re trying to take over the world.”
Grandpa died that week. In the fall I returned to school and began training to be a floor manager. We were put through a variety of enjoyable trust building exercises like falling down and catching each other and camping. On the last day of training we were ushered into a large room in the student center and a staff member began distributing packets of paper entitled “Unpacking your Privilege.” Printed on each page was a list of privileges that white people had which no other peoples have:
1. I am able to let my kids play outside without worrying about their safety
I raised my hand: “Sarah, I don’t know of any white people who don’t worry about their kids playing outside alone. I know white kids who have been molested and abductions do happen in my state.”
The other students let out an audible gasp.
“Cad, if you were a person of color, you would be much more worried about letting your kids play outside alone.”
“Well, yes, but many people of color live in neighborhoods which are predominately populated by other persons of color from which their children face grave danger.”
“Well Cad, would people of color be forced into these communities were it not for white oppression?”
“White Oppression? It seems to me that people of color are better off when they are ingrained in a white majority and not among large numbers of their kin.”
Several girls fainted and a very fat Sikh man began to turn bright red in fury and his face began to match his turban. As I had been immersed in my study of economics I had not been aware of the new campus craze of the “white privilege” movement. I felt my own blood begin to boil…it seemed I had become caught in some sort of ideological mouse-trap.
“And what of the Muslim Caliphate? Surely all of us here at Colgate University have much more to fear from that oppressive wave of brown people than liberal or RINO whites?”
I began to be assaulted with jeers of “RACIST” “BIGOT” “HOMOPHOBE.”
“Why are you calling me a homophobe? I have many Dandy friends who are equally terrified of the caliphate!”
Suffice to say, dear reader, I was fired from my post very quickly and spent a great deal of my time at Colgate in near total isolation, pouring over youtube videos and alt-right blogs. The world began to turn upside down; the man in my family who had been derided as a lunatic had very clearly been speaking truth all of these years. Was I his ideological heir? Doomed to be the wacky uncle with the tin foil hat? It seemed so. I tried to explain my awakening to my father:
“Dad, I think I’m a Republican.”
“Yeah, I just don’t see how healthcare reform has any basis in economic reality. If insurance was allowed to be sold across state lines the price would go do-”
“WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY? HAVE YOU EVER DEALT WITH THE INSURANCE COMPANIES? THEY’RE THIEVES! THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS NEEDED TO KEEP THEM IN LINE!”
“I mean, of course everyone acts in their own self interest, but that includes the government”
“YOU SOUND LIKE A FUCKING NUTCASE”
My family and I no longer discuss politics. When I am home I can see the look directed at me that was once directed at my dear gun toting grandfather. I am the replacement right wing boogey-man. I go to work and keep my thoughts to myself. What do I daydream about? Militias, reclamation of the western nations for the people and traditions that are their bedrock, glassing over the Arab peninsula, and mining the Mexican border.
Last night I reorganized my apartment. I have one outlet and a very large bed, and had originally arranged my furniture in a manner which necessitated an extension cord across the floor. My new design allows for a much more open feel and hiding of the cords which makes me feel relaxed. I fell half asleep in my chair and went into a dreamlike state at around 330pm…Fareed Zakharia was right, the Tea Party was the problem! There is no cultural decimation of Europeans in Europe and America! I am not on a terror watch list for recording my journal on the etherweb!
My head drooped towards my lap and I awoke with a start. It was dark outside, and the enemy was still at the gates.