Life and Death and Boredom

Like a very Dastardly Rake I have secured employment at a company which sells software for a very high markup which provides very little value.  This employment requires little time from my day and besides from the cunts in the marketing department allows me to live what should be a stress free life.  I arrive at the office at 830 after an easy morning commute and make myself an espresso, eat a banana and some oatmeal, and send emails.  As I am of extraordinarily high intelligence and confidence my sales calls go exceedingly well and I have gained the full trust and admiration of the CEO.  The cunts in marketing and sales grow fat and sluttish and rich.  The 80 year old CEO comes in hours late and remarks about his sex life with the head manager of accounts.  The CEO is a multi millionaire who could offer me very good connections in the business world.

I often stare out the large windows of our renovated mill building at the Dastardly city of Boston and fantasize about enlisting in the military to kill Islamists or going to guide school in Montana; to prepare myself for a life closer to the graceful dance of life and death between the civilized and the barbarian or the elk and the coke addled mind of a hedge fund titan desirous of a commune with his primal self.

Perhaps I am an Apex predator like this arctic bear who is fat and bored with sugary dead prey.

Perhaps I am an Apex predator like this arctic bear who is fat and bored with sugary dead prey and would gladly trade luxurious captivity for freedom and the risk of starvation and the chance to stalk and sink his teeth into a fat islamist or seal.

I am often snapped out of my fantasies by the idle gossip of coworkers or voice mails from prospects telling me to go fuck myself.   I then return to my work frustrated at my unresolved conflict.

At the end of each day we have a company meeting during which the CEO praises the new sales of the day, usually to electronic cigarette and dildo eCommerce companies.  During one such meeting I was verily staring out of the large windows at the setting sun and remembered how quickly the past ten years of my life had flown by.  If those years had passed by so quickly, and the past year itself had hurried past as it had, the day on which I would be on my death bed would verily be here tomorrow and I would look back on all of it and be shocked with how quickly it had gone by.

“Congratulations to Richard Goldstein for selling pop up ads to E-Dildos.com.  Great job Richard!  That’s 400 dollars of recurring revenue per year you’ve brought to us which means a 4,000 dollar increase to our company value per year!”

I thought now of my death as being very close and my heart began to race.  I felt in a panic, as if death was very near and inevitable, which if one considers the matter one realizes that it is.  What did it matter if I died of a bullet wound in Iraq, or of alcoholism in Montana, or of suicide in my CEO’s office that evening?  The time of my death would surely come sooner than I had anticipated and it seemed in that moment that I had lost all fear of death and desired to only do that which I wished to do.

“We are offering a 500 dollar bonus to anyone who can sell 3500 dollars in pop up ads this month!  That is an unbelievable chance to put some money away for christmas shopping this year!”

I remembered that my rent was 500 dollars and like a good slave I applauded this generous offer and made my way back to my desk during which time I spent 15 minutes working and then began to fantasize about killing my enemies or elk depending on how far off the beaten path I desired to go once I did.

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7 thoughts on “Life and Death and Boredom

  1. Thank you Mr. tsnamm. If it weren’t for you I would likely not have continued writing. I do find the struggle gives my day much more meaning and your and Kak’s company are greatly appreciated. Cheers.

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  2. I’m glad you continue…your humor and acid wit are as refreshing to me as spring water…when your 1st blog disappeared I was extremely disappointed, as you saw from my post at kak to you…so I’m very happy to see you back. You will gain traction shortly so don’t be discouraged. BTW on the 1st blog you had a post concerning riding the train with 2 ugly dykes, and some multi cult public health poster with “Dr click click”, and Dunkin Donuts cappuccino farts I believe…if you still have that one please re-post; totally outrageously hilarious!…you get the message across with biting sarcasm and ridicule…please keep it up!

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    • My dear Namm, “Borg Marketing, Cultural Decimation, and Coffee Farts” is one of the first restored entries into Dastardly Rake II, please find it upon the bottom of my page and enjoy with a fine and wholesome beer.

      My encounter with Dykes on the train will be restored shortly. Have a wondrous day filled with the vanquishing of your rivals my friend.

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